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Personal Detox

I just do not feel happy. These last weeks I haven’t felt a single sprinkle of happiness and I feel so fed up. I need to cleanse my entire spirit in order to gain a happy mood again.

Because of my down-under-the-ground-mood my relationship with my boyfriend has gone from wonderful to bad. Not horribly bad, we can fix this, but in order to make that work I need to fix myself again. We’ve spend multiple hours talking and discussing our feelings for each other and the options that we have in fixing everything that feels wrong.

Somehow he blurted out that I’d gained weight, and that due this I’ve lost a lot of my sparkle and confidence. It was such a blow to the face but it was true… I hadn’t been myself lately and the  weight just feels like a heavy cross to carry along the road.

I also feel really tired and emotionally exhausted. I’ve tried to go on without taking notice of this but it has gained such a high level that it’s time to take steps before it’s too late.

I bought vitamins, hoping that the intake of those that I’m missing out on will provide me with a bit of energy that gives me strength to pass another day.
I’m also going to take actions. I need to exercise and work on my body to improve my vision on myself.

I promise myself that I will work on this so that we can work things out. I cannot think of anything else right now than the fact that it is time to take action & that there’s no second left to spill.

Until the next time I need a stress relieving post,


Love makes you write crazy stuff!

Just a small something I wrote when I was missing the boyfriend.. cheesy pleasy whatever!

Warm arms, that feel like home.
Wrapping me up in that little safe haven that I can call my own now.
And never forceful, always that warm loving embrace.
And the power to lift things off my shoulder, with his strong hands.
Even when the world’s on his; there’s always space to take mine as well.
The caring. So warm and nice. Never wanting to do me short. Always trying.
The soft voice, through the phone, always calming me down.
The soft kisses, warmth running down my every inch, drowning in his love.
The crazy moments, laughter and giggles that he always gives me.
Never leaving me, always staying by my side like a star, always shining.
The hopes and dreams, created by the loving look in his eyes…
The future, bright when I’m with him. Not scary anymore but something to look out to.
The love, that makes me do stupid things, yet things that are alright when I’m with him.
The love… that I cannot live without anymore.

Exams are almost over! Note to self: Must. Not. Give. Up!!

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Update on life
So, I've been in my new school for about a week now. (Today's a free day yippyyay!)
Luckily for me it wasn't at bad as I thought it would be!
I honestly thought there wouldn't be a single soul talking to me or helping me out.
BUT there's a lot of nice people and they all try to help me out by lending me their books and copying me important stuff.
And because I'm a very organised person I'm already done with catching up all classes haha! I already copied all the stuff they've seen this semester (and last semester too!).
The school is not that big so I don't have to change buildings like I had to in Leuven. The teachers are very nice and the classes are interesting! So I've made a good choice!
Now you might wonder what I've decided to study after that half year of Japanology. Well, I decided to go for High School-teacher for the courses of English and Economics. (big change, I know)

Overall I'm doing rather good. My mood has been a lot brighter since I've started at this new school.
Though I've been having this awful feeling in my left hand. It's rather stiff and painful throughout the entire day, for weeks already.I'
ve been a tad worried but I hope it'll just go away!

My boyfriend has exams next week and the week after so it'll be a stressy time as I don't like seeing him less or seeing him when he has to study as I feel like a burden then. Oh well, we'll get through!

These days the weather sucks, it's cold and windy and it makes me long for a nice warm holiday! I cannot wait to get my ass to Turkey this summer! It'll be amazing!


Late night thinking
Dear diary,

I haven't been on Livejournal in ages, didn't know what to say, but today I just need to let some steam out.
Remember I told you I was going to Leuven? Well ... Been there, done that.
The first few months were rough, living so far from home and in a place that didn't seem to fit me was hard.
My neighbors were people I had a hard time getting along with, even though they were nice, they were just nog 'my kind of people'.
Therefore after a few months I had decided to move back to my home sweet home and go to school with the train every day, which wasn't that bad because it felt good coming home to a nice warm house every evening.
I struggled with studying for my exams. It took too long and I was mentally exhausted. But I still gave it my best, and it actually didn't feel that hard when I filled in all the exams.
But yesterday I got back my results and I was in a state of shock. The results were so badly that the mentor told me I wouldn't be able to pass, that it was unrealistic to think I'd make it this year. 
Even though I tried my very best, I didn't succeed. And with the view of not passing, even with giving it my all, I realized that university is just a tad too hard for me to cope with.
Therefore I think that I'm going to stop with this study and start over again with a new study in September/October and in the meantime I'm going to try and find a nice job to pass my time with. And earning money ain't that bad either, right?
Luckily everybody is supporting me and telling me I should do what is best for me. They're all proud of me that I gave it a try and that I worked hard for it. Some things are just not meant to be.
Thursday I'm going to talk to another mentor at school to talk it over and discuss the details of stopping. We'll see how it goes.

On another note, my sister is gone for 4 months! She's on an international internship in Bradford, England. She's enjoying it and she's happy so I'm happy for her!

I'm also learning how to drive a car. Trust me, at first the roads might have not been that safe but these days I'm driving without much difficulties. Mom has learned me the basics and actually says I'm doing very good because after only 2 days of driving around on an empty parking I already drove on the street without much troubles. Of course it ain't perfect yet but over time I'll get beter and beter! And then in a few months I'll go and try to get my driver's license. 

And last but not least, it's Valentine's Day, so... happy forever alone day for some of you, and happy Valentine's day to others! Hehe~  trust me, I'm spending mine alone, eventhough I'm in a relationship. My boyfriend is still a very good student, getting good grades, and therefore he is ofcourse in school following classes. We're together for over 10 months and god he's been so good to me. Always there to support me and help me through rougher times. He's a sweetheart and I hope he'll be by my side forever because I have never felt happier!


What a girly layout!
 It has been a while, a long while! But I changed my layout and really felt like writing here~ just don't know what to talk about :')
Life has been treating me well. I passed my exams and therefore am enjoying my 3 month holiday.
Though, I won't be having holidays for 3 months as I'm going to work for a full month pretty soon (in a supermarket, nothing special but it brings some money into my pocket = good!)

After these 3 months I'm moving out of my parental house to move to Leuven, an hour long train ride from my place. It's with mixed feelings I tell ya. I'm excited to move out and start university and just get to know new people, new experiences but on the other hand, I'm leaving my entire world behind. My friends, my safe haven and it's a bit scary. I don't want to lose any friendship I made here.
University, here I come!

On the other hand; yesh, I'm still happily in love and it's going really well! He brings me great joy and happiness and it will be hard to leave him behind when I move. But we'll spend our weekend together and try to make it the best we can. And I'm sure that it will only make us stronger ^w^

Maybe you guys have noticed it but me and my computer are growing apart huhu TT___TT lol no, I'm not that affected. I've been spending little to no time on forums and I know that I should, it's my duty as mod & admin, but I just can't find the joy in it anymore. There's barely anything to do on Phoenix, it's still active with news and stuff - but to me that's it. And I cannot find the motivation to record songs for Breaking Records so I've been keeping myself on the sideline. Let's see how long this will last, maybe I'll just give up on my mod-admin status but for now I'm just going to wait and see. 
I'm still active on FB and twitter, even on we♥it, so if there's ever an urgent thing you need, poke me on there.

That's it for now I guess; hopefully soon I'll post again~~

Love xoxo

Exams are driving me nuts!
Can I cry now? TT___TT

Let's state the obvious

Let's state the obvious for a minute.

I'm not in Japan.

With all the nuclear stuff going on there, the 10 year long aftershocks, it's for the best. Hope things will resolve for everyone soon.

Other than that, life is pretty fucking awesome.

I went to Barcelona last month, got home and had a boyfriend, imagine that. I've known the guy for a few years already.. well, actually, he was/is my best friend but yea, one thing led to the other and here I am; 17 days into a happy relationship. It's really all fresh and new but I'm definitely liking it.

School has been going alright I suppose; 2 months left of it and then I graduate and I don't know if I'm all that happy with it. I mean, it's nice, being done with high school but damn it's also scary because I'm moving out to a different city that's like an hour drive from here and I'll be living alone in a (probably) in a student-house with 180 other students and yea.. entire new place, new people, new things to do. Exciting and scary.

But the most awesome thing right now is .. SM Town in Paris  because I ninja'd myself and BooLia 2 VIP + goodies tickets and hell yea, we're going to Paris baby!
It's during my exams (start them on the 9th.. SM Town in Paris is on the 10th) but we're leaving my school right after my exam and will surely enjoy it to the max!

It's a bit sad.. JYJ-Homin, but hey, it's atleast 2/5 of my life-dream fulfilled for now and that alone made my entire.. month? haha, idk

Anyways, am officially back and will update more often!



It's true; I'm leaving my LJ with the sexy Jaejoong banner.
The reason for my (maybe sudden?) move is that there's only 42 days left in Belgium!
In 42 days I will take my bags and move to the other side of the world.
I'll be spending an entire year there.
Learning the language, culture and life of a normal high school teenager living in Japan.
I want to take you along on my journey!
Therefore I have decided to not only move in real life but also to move on LJ!
I'll be making cyninjapan my home for the next year and will try to keep you all
updated on there!

Wish me all the luck and see you on my new LJ!

(after the year I'll come back and treat this LJ to an entire make-over to continue the joy of LJ!)

I miss you

I remember, a few years ago, it was a winter just like this one. It was so cold that our fingers would be bright red whenever we got outside, do you remember?

It was a winter like this that made me remember all these things.

Small little things that remember me of you.

I still see us walking there. We felt invincible, didn’t we?

I still remember the warmth you gave off. Your deep voice soothing in the midst of the night.

These days I’m afraid to hear your voice. Afraid it might shake up my heart. Afraid that I might break down at the thought of only having your voice around.

Snowflakes turn into water and I have never felt so defeated. As if life slapped me across the face and took everything away.

The soft sound of the piano fills my heart and I miss you.

Whenever I hear your voice, whenever I see your face, I miss you.

I am a fool for thinking like this, aren’t I?



I'm very sorry. My thoughts are so complicated lately.

Let's be honest. I miss the five. I'm a JYJ & HoMin fan but.. being honest, the 5 together was always the best... I miss that.